I've contemplated writing this post for several days now. Even after starting to write it, I deleted and restarted at least 5 times. I know some of you will read this and think "seriously?!" or "get over it, you look fine!" but this is my reality, and I know there are SO many other people that are in my same position that could use some reassurance.
It was just over a month ago when I was excited to share the news of my pregnancy and the opportunity to leave the teacher world to do fitness coaching full time so I could be a stay at home mommy to my baby boy right here on this blog. Just a couple weeks later, my whole world came crumbling down. During my anatomy scan, we found out my precious boy had anencephaly, which is a terminal condition in which the brain, skull and scalp are never fully formed. I delivered Titan just days later at almost 6 months pregnant.
Delivery and having a baby is a difficult enough task, without the emotional scar of never being able to bring your baby home afterwards. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I worked out and was extremely cautious of everything I ate. I wanted to have a healthy baby boy and give him every opportunity to grow and be strong. I wanted to stay active for myself so that I could be the best momma ever once he was born. I wondered how could the complete opposite have happened?
After finding out about Titan's diagnosis, I struggled for several days, feeling as if my body failed me. I thought "I should I worked out more," "I should have worked out less," "I should have drank more Shakeology," "I should have drank less Shakeology," "I should have eaten more vegetables," "I should have ate less carbs" and the list goes on. I felt as if something must be wrong with my body for my baby not to be able to develop properly inside of me. But in reality, I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. Anencephaly has no known cause and I know Titan was chosen long before he was even formed in my womb to be one of God's most special angels.
The photos above are from just prior to becoming pregnant, 1 day after having Titan and 3 weeks after having Titan.
In the first picture, I had just finished a round of 21 Day Fix and had seriously committing to a healthy lifestyle. This was the healthiest and most fit I have been in my entire life. I felt amazing and never imagined I could look the way I did. I even felt good on the inside. I didn't feel sluggish and my body didn't feel weighed down like it had before that. I was in a great place and on a lifelong journey to ensure this continued.
The second picture is of 1 day after having Titan. I was miserable and felt like a stranger in my own body. I had only gained 8 pounds throughout my almost 6 month pregnancy but after delivering I gained an additional 5 pounds and looked and felt bigger then than when I was actually carrying him. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I have been fairly active my entire life and struggled with being overweight occasionally, but my belly had never looked the way it did then. All those self-imagine issues that used to haunt me came flooding back relentlessly. But with so many other emotions going on, it was hard to focus on the way I looked, I could actually care less, so I continued to just sulk.
It took a few days and listening to and reading a lot of powerful sermons and motivational books for me to snap out of it. I began working out again and eating clean and started feeling more like myself again.
I was no longer going to allow my circumstances to control not only my emotional state, but also my physical state. I was determined to get back to those feelings I had in that first picture. Here I am, 3 weeks later, and I have lost 6 of the pounds gained during and after pregnancy and have 7 more to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. However, I'm less focused on what the scale says and just doing what I know will make me feel good inside and out. I have a ways to go and I know this journey will be tough for many reasons...but I'm pressing on and will not stop.
If you are feeling trapped in your own body, you have to make the decision to change that. Our bodies were designed perfectly by the greatest Creator in the world, but it is our job to maintain it. Only YOU can free yourself from feelings of physical unworthiness. You are worthy. #ChooseToday #TheTimeIsNow
